Check out my new podcast "Lost In America" with Michael Kaplan and I on Itunes here. Subscribe, Like and Leave a Comment! Its great, we talk about being brand new to America as an American adult and why this place makes no sense.
August 4th 2016 I jumped on a plane, flew over Siberia, the North Pole, down into Canada and landed in New York City.
I had an apartment, a few friends and a couple of suitcases. Like that girl in the movie Brooklyn I was a young immigrant with a dream to take over the city. I was even living in Brooklyn. I was her.
I would step foot into a comedy club the next day begin my journey to the top of the comedy world, much like she made it to the top of the department store or wherever she worked. I didn’t finish the movie. VERY long and the plane landed.
But here is why that I soon found out that movie is bullshit. It never showed her unpacking and setting up her Internet router or whatever tin can on a string they had back in those days. It didn't show her hauling a couch up the stairs. It didn't show her receiving stacks of mail that actually belonged to the previous tenant, and getting all her mail lost in a warehouse in New Jersey. That movie skipped the real struggle.
The time between stepping foot onto American soil and working at the department store is where I would have made my movie. So here we go.
Brooklyn: The Schlep - Based on a True Story
I also have no idea if this is how you write movie scripts but here we go.
Aug. 5 – Sept. 11
Ninety-Five percent of this time would be filled with me setting up my wifi, hot water, gas, electricity, phone, doorbell ringer and banking (online and offline). Then we would jet into the scene of me buying a couch, chairs and a table. I would need to schedule delivery and set them up once they arrived (F you Ikea).
Take my first shower (I could have taken one earlier but I have been busy and my wife isn’t here).
Realize I have no soap. Buy soap, shampoo, detergent, a mop, a broom, windex and a toothbrush.
Decide living in the dark is unbearable. I would buy lamps and lights. Sleeping on the ground? No fun. Time for a bed.
Buy a bed online. Realize it's a 3 – 5 week wait period on the bed I’ve just purchased, and they will arrive anytime between 8am and 11pm.
Cancel all plans 3-5 weeks from now.
Decide to start writing. Its only been 6 weeks since the dream of becoming a famous raconteur was supposed to begin. Realize that a printer would help accomplish that dream. Go buy a printer. Plug it in.
Paper jam fixed.
Time to begin work for real this time. Get excited. A montage of me thinking about working.
Fourteen boxes arrive from my parent’s house in California. All filled with clothes and wedding gifts. Fourteen boxes to unload, breakdown and put outside for the garbage man to pick up.
But this neighborhood has a picky garbage man (plot twist/ new character) and he won’t just pick up any old trash cans. I need to separate the garbage into plastic, paper, recycling, solids and stripes, whites and colors and happy and sad. If the happy plastic goes with the sad plastic I get fined $100.
This bastard would be the villain in my movie, not some bros in Ireland.
Take a break from unloading boxes. Record an episode of the “Sorry I’ve Been So Busy” podcast with comedy writers Matt Goldich and Andrew Goldstein. Tell the Mister Softee story and talk about unloading boxes.
Unload the last of the boxes and realize there isn’t enough space in our apartment for everything we have in the boxes.
Buy more shelves.
Go grocery shopping. Make breakfast for the first time. Again, my wife isn’t here yet.
Attempt to write my first blog post in two months. It’s terrible. Convince myself that I’ve forgotten how to write.
My movie set, fully constructed.
Start a podcast. Way easier than writing. Call it “Lost In America” and get my good friend Michael Kaplan to co-host it. Kaplan is the funniest person I know and also the right hand man to the actor Robert DeNiro. Make it all about my misadventures of being a brand new American.
After 1,000 downloads in the first week, record podcast #2. Talk about my problems ordering at the local American style Chinese restaurant and also read listener hate mail on the air.
Write this blog.
I really wrote it.
I’m back baby.
Apply for work at the department store.
Director and all that stuff.
That thing where the movie starts again halfway through the credits
Oh yeah, I’ve also been performing stand up twice a night at clubs around the city throughout this whole time, but nobody cares about that. Check my schedule here and come see me soon!
My podcast. Check it out on Itunes here.