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Back in the USA

So here I am. In El Dorado Hills, California eating a ham sandwich and watching Cheaters. America is fantastic.

This is me one month ago. Oblivious to the hell-storm of confusion I was about to face in the USA.

I have been back in the US for 3 full weeks and I don't understand 90% of it. Why do people write checks? We have online banking. In 2016 do we still need to wait two days to verify if someone actually has the money to buy that fruit roll up box, milk and sausage links at Safeway? In two days I could walk to Portland. I could fly to New York the other way. You can be anywhere in two days.

People say "ah, that guy was a mastermind at writing hot checks". No, he was just a guy who had a two day head start on the police. That's a hell of a jump. The guy in Shawshank Redemption had like 20 minutes, he is the mastermind. Someone who gets away with writing hot checks is just a logical person with an immoral streak.

These are the only kind of checks that should still exist.

I don't know. I just joined a gym in New York for 10 dollars a month. Ten dollars. My apartment costs thousands of dollars. The gym has free showers, free towels, free wifi and is open 24 hours a day. Why do I rent an apartment?

I could live at the gym. They have half priced candy for members. I could live off of M and M's, peanut M and M's for sure. They have cable television, my apartment doesn't have a TV. The closest thing I have to a TV is a bar down the street that is showing the Little League World Series. By the way, that is the best sporting event of the year. "Little Stevie is a 95 pound shortstop. Has 35 RBI's, hits .240 and favorite food is lasagne." Nowhere else do you get those kinds of details on athletes.

I could live off of these.

Back to the gym. They have free cable TV (I think I said that). You have to be running on a treadmill to power the tv. but that will help me burn off all of those peanut M and M's. Where will I sleep you ask? The gym has free beds. They are tanning beds, I'll die of skin cancer in three weeks but I'll sleep like a baby. Also I've had skin cancer before, not a big deal. You cut it out, done. They also have free first aid kits, and free doctors (they call themselves Yoga Instructors, whatever). They have free lockers, they are one square foot but I only really wear two shirts anyway. The laundromat down the street is 12 dollars a load though, so I may have to wash in the water fountain at the gym.

I wear this shirt (above) and this shirt (below). Same jeans. That would fit in a gym locker right?

Now at this point you are asking yourself, "Is Turner just trying out new material on us?" YES. Of course I am. Every set I do in New York is like an audition for the rest of my life. I'm not going to risk this crap material on a booker who decides if I can play their club regularly. This is hot off the press. Any good?

I think it may be horrible but who knows. Come see me Sunday night (8pm) at Harlow's in Sacramento with Ruben Paul and find out.

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